Being Secure

Wow, that's terrible. I've never had anything like that happen. I've had people try to manipulate me (only sometimes successfully) into doing things that I knew were not a good idea. I've always been slightly on the pretty side of average, though, not really gorgeous enough to upset the apple cart, or make people burn to sleep with me. Most of the times I've been hit on is well after someone has gotten to know me. Then again, I'm kind of obtuse when it comes to people's interest in that way. Unless they're pretty obvious about it (like the guy from the circus who, while I was getting his autograph, proceeded to tell me in Spanish that I'm beautiful, and wouldn't give me my program back until I met his eyes and blushed), I tend not to notice, until my husband points it out to me. I do think he has a tendency to embellish or exaggerate, though, because it makes me laugh.

I have to admit that I have, once or twice, wondered why someone was hitting on me, knowing that I was out of their league...but it wasn't a matter of looks. It was more a matter of intelligence, or moral fiber. I've dated one man that was very pretty, but who was mentally and morally beneath me, because I was at a point in my life when I felt I didn't deserve anything better.

I am way too fucking clueless about this shit to even know if other people have done this to me, much less do it myself. I know folks with brains that intimidate the hell out of me, but while pretty is nice to look at I've never felt "less" just because I was standing next to somebody who was probably hotter than me. Sure, she's got double-Ds and a perfect smile, but I've got STYLE and no surgeon can give you that!


So..... basically I'm too much of an arrogant fuck to be bothered by such nonsense

I always assume that my remarkable personality will be attractive to almost anyone, so I don't bother with comparisons.

>When meeting someone for the first time, do you notice and admire their looks without thought to yourself, or do you immediately compare yourself to them?

I rarely compare myself to people, the one exception is that if I'm standing next to someone very petite and slim I begin to feel like a giant and then I suddenly feel like I better watch my big feet so I don't accidentally step on them or something.

>Have you done this and ever found yourself lacking?

There have been occasions when something has hit me to be wonderful about someone that I get sad is not wonderful about me. I think in particular there is a style of clothes that I think are cute and would fit my personality but that do not fit my body type. Or like someone who can just jump in and know how to cook anything, or how to clean anything or how to fix anything. Things I wish I could do so easily.

>Do you always look for or are now in a relationship with someone who is on equal or greater looks level than you?

I never look for relationships with people based on "looks" and I don't think looks have much to do with my feeling chemistry with someone. I think the people I've been in relationships with are beautiful...but I don't know that anyone else agrees with me. People's "objective attractiveness" or as objective as possible which isn't very, is only apparent to be at first meeting them...then their personality hijacks even my visual perceptions of them. I can tell you that I believe that most people when they look at my sweetie see something completely different then when I look at him and he shines his love and smile on me. He can take my breath away he's so beautiful! But I *think* that to other people he is just a tall, shy, extremely geeky guy with big glasses, a pot belly, brownish hair with no particular hair style, who wears khaki shorts and loud Hawaiian shirts or obnoxious t-shirts.

>Do you ever think to yourself, that person is out of my league?

Yes I have thought that. Then either they aren't part of my life...or I get to know them and I see that they are people too and I still feel this amazement like "this person is so XYZ" I know I have moments of thinking how bizarre it is that I have so many friends who are literally geniuses, who have amazing careers, do amazing art, make amazing music, change people's lives with their wisdom, are well traveled and knowledgeable about so much...people who have "real adult lives" and I have these moments of thinking...But I'm not really even an adult yet, I'm still figuring out what to do with my life! I'm broke! I'm dyslexic, couldn't draw to save my life, have horrid taste in music and no sense of fashion whatsoever. But Equal to my amazement at them wanting me in their lives is this deep inside calm acceptance that it fits. That They have their amazing things and I have mine. Mine is alot harder to see in concrete life stuff right now, but I know that the greatest gift anyone gives me is really seeing me...and I give that gift to the people in my life and if I don't let myself make it irrelevant because it's me giving it then I have to admit that I'm a great friend to have. Plus I think that is probably even more important to people who have some amazing talent, I am betting it's probably more rare for them to find people who can see the amazing...and then still see their regular person parts, still see the areas they suck at and still love them.
If you mean just looks wise then yes I have thought that too on occasion. But again either I get to know them and my vision adjusts to how I think of them as a person or they aren't around and it isn't an ongoing thing. I can only think someone is out of my league as long as they are not a real person to me.

>Do you ever think to yourself, why is that person hitting on me, don't they know that I'm out of their league?

No, I have thought "why is this person hitting on me, can't they see I'm not interested in being hit on?"

>Do you ever refuse to be friends with someone because you think that if you ever hang out, that they will get all the attention?

LOL Obviously not since until this year the people closest to me were overwhelmingly Leos(o:
Naw I like to be quietly powerful in my group of friends, I don't like to be the one the attention is one. I can enjoy the attention for a teeny bit and then I just want to pass it on. I enjoy being the light that is shining on someone else.

>Are you ever nasty to someone because they are either smarter than you, or better looking than you, or won't give you their time/attention/sex?

No. I am rarely ever nasty to anyone. In the very very rare times I am then it is because that person has been so overwhelmingly nasty for so long I just have to mirror it back to them(waves at asshat and twatwaffle who are surely reading this). or because they are being nasty to someone I love...that gets a much quicker nasty reaction. Don't be nasty to people I love or even random people who I feel can not defend themselves. Like the waitress or checkout guy, don't do it in front of me I'll give you a piece of my mind that you probably won't like.



All of that being said reading your last section on the things you've experienced I think it's really important to not think we know why people behave the way they do. Even if we think we know exactly why someone was rude to us...we probably don't really know what exactly is going on with them.

Re: Schirin's questions on her original posting: Sounds like the thoughts/feelings of almost every 14 year old American girl! :-)

I have had people make issue of my looks and my confidence with my sexuality, but I don't care. Who I am has nothing to do with who they are and if they're going to act like asses, they can get to stepping.

Once you become an adult, the comparison period should be over. I never understood why couples compare themselves to their partner's ex or ask if the new admin asst is young and pretty. It smacks of self-loathing.

In terms of leagues, what does this really mean? I mean, we're not all on the same team, but I don't believe in a hierarchy of eligibility. We either click or we don't and looks aren't everything. In the words of Ron White: "You can't fix stupid."

Hm. From reading your descriptions of the scenarios, I can't help but feel like perhaps you are also judging others based on their intelligence, looks, etc. Granted, I have not been there for any of the things you describe, and you could be perfectly right...they don't like you because you're so brilliant and hot, or whatever. But, come on...if multiple people from different parts of your life treat you in the same shitty way over and over, perhaps that's a sign to look deeper within yourself.

Let me give you an example from my own experience. My mom is stereotypically attractive. Tall, blonde, pretty, big boobs. She tends to write people off very quickly as "judging her" or "out to get her" if things don't go her way. In fact, I bet she could write the exact same post you wrote. However, my mom is also rather racist and totally a drama-queen. So, while it's possible that people automatically think she's a bitch because she's pretty...the reality is that sometimes people think she's a bitch because she can be a bitch.

Perhaps there's some of the old chicken vs. egg riddle here. Who knows?

When meeting someone for the first time, do you notice and admire their looks without thought to yourself, or do you immediately compare yourself to them? They are who they are. I don't do comparisons.

Have you done this and ever found yourself lacking? No.

Do you always look for or are now in a relationship with someone who is on equal or greater looks level than you? No. Late hubby was kinda pudgy (until he was very ill) with a "advancing forehead." He was a sweet person and he was beautiful on the inside.

Do you ever think to yourself, that person is out of my league? No. I think, "Not my kind of person, but I will be nice."

Do you ever think to yourself, why is that person hitting on me, don't they know that I'm out of their league? Oh, I know exactly why they are hitting on me. Tall, blonde, "statuesque"...

Do you ever refuse to be friends with someone because you think that if you ever hang out, that they will get all the attention? No.

Are you ever nasty to someone because they are either smarter than you, or better looking than you, or won't give you their time/attention/sex? No. I try not to be nasty to anyone. Sometimes someone pushes one of my issue buttons, and I will go off on a tirade, but I usually realize I am being an ass, and apologize.

As for dealing with manipulative people...they don't get very far. I almost always can figure out what they are trying to do and simply won't play their game.

personally, the older i get, the more confident i get. i totally rock in almost every way that matters to me... and that is how it is for me, no matter what someone else thinks... my rocking-ness lives in me, it's not dependent on someone else's opinion... and guess what? that very quality is what draws the kinds of people to me who i love being around. and the ones who think i'm some weird freak? no worries, they're not my people anyway, are they?

do i hang out with people more beautiful than me? of course, i'd be frickin' lonely if i didn't... try going out with rt sometime.... she's a magnet with her beauty. and people who are smarter or funnier than me? all the time. people who are more intuitive, and more generous, and more gracious? you bet. does that mean i'm lacking? of course not, it just means we all hold a different recipe of what makes us who we are.

sure, sometimes i think wow, she's so pretty, who could keep their eyes off of her, but then i realize there are people who can't keep their eyes off me. it's not a contest, it's just how life flows. we all have our strengths, and that's what makes us unique... my best girlfriend says she feels invisible sometimes going out with me, we'll see people she's met several times before and they don't remember her, because she looks conservative and clean-cut, while i'm a very styl