I have long thought that our valuing of selfless was a bad thing. Possibly a good concept twisted into bad things. When I hear the word it sounds very literal to me Self-Less, without self. I don't want anything that someone gives to me that comes from a lack of them having or caring for their own "self"

I happened to just find the index cards for a speech I did in college about why I would prefer a selfish love to a self*less* one and this quote from those cards explains it so well. I thought I'd type it out for you guys and see what you think.

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To love selfishly does not mean to be indifferent to the needs or interests of my partner. When we love, our concept of self interest embraces the well being of our partner. This is the great compliment of love; to declare to another human being that his or her happiness is of selfish interest to our selves. Do we wish to believe that for our partner the relationship is an act of self denial and self sacrifice...(possibly part of the quote missing)
and let us ask ourselves whether we want our partner to spend time with us alone together to experience the doing as an act of self sacrifice or do we want our partner to experience such time as glory and if it is glory that we want our partner to feel, if we want our partner to experience joy in our presence then let us stop talking of "selfless love" as a noble idea."

Nathaniel Branden
Honoring The Self
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I will say that I've experienced love with someone who was self centered and that did not work for me. Everything revolved around them including their need to be self sacrificing and lose themselves. It felt very different from "I love myself and you and we are both important"

So what has worked for you? How has your view of what is love in relation to how you value yourself in relationships changed or evolved?