ok, this may get a bit lengthy but I will try my best to sum it up short and to the point...
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about 7 years... but have been back in a serious monogamous relationship for over a year... (this being our third time). Lately our sex-life has really drifted. First I thought it was because of my school schedule, which was a bit crazy last semester for about 3 months... and now I guess my excuse is that our work schedules are conflicting...
but honestly, for some reason, I seem to have lost that yearning to just jump his bones and get it on! What the hell? This is totally not like me. I mean the last relationship I was in, we couldn't get enough sex.. We'd have sex for hours... I could not lay next to that guy without wanting him... and the crazy part... the guy I am with now is the best. He is a wonderful guy. Although lately I am noticing that there are quite a few differences between us, our personalities and such... He is attractive, has a great smile, and those eyes that I adore... but I feel like the passion is gone...
I just don't know what to do... I feel like I have a tendency to try and mess things up before they get there, maybe as kind of a self-defense mechanism or something...
oh I don't know... I love him, I have loved him for the past 7 years... but now I sit here pondering if this is enough for me? and it seems like its not just the sex.
I go through these stages, or periods in my life, where I feel one way, and then it changes and I feel another way. I was so excited when we got back together... thinking of how great we are and then it got serious enough for me to think how I want to marry him and have kids with him. Now the thought of that kinda freaks me out... what is going on with me!?!?!?
is it me? Can I fix it? Am I over analyzing this?
And on top of this, I have recently hung out with two guys who I kinda had a little interest in about a year ago, both instances were fun, and I noticed an obvious connection, though not sure if only sexual... nothing happened, just hung out, caught up on life and had a great time. but good conversation, which to me is partially what seems to be missing out of my current relationship. He is just one of those guys who isn't a talker... and well... I am... so maybe that has something to do with it?
I am lost.. and don't know what to think....
how do you know when it is right... and for good? I can't tell if its me just making something out of nothing, or me noticing something that is not there.... how can you tell?
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about 7 years... but have been back in a serious monogamous relationship for over a year... (this being our third time). Lately our sex-life has really drifted. First I thought it was because of my school schedule, which was a bit crazy last semester for about 3 months... and now I guess my excuse is that our work schedules are conflicting...
but honestly, for some reason, I seem to have lost that yearning to just jump his bones and get it on! What the hell? This is totally not like me. I mean the last relationship I was in, we couldn't get enough sex.. We'd have sex for hours... I could not lay next to that guy without wanting him... and the crazy part... the guy I am with now is the best. He is a wonderful guy. Although lately I am noticing that there are quite a few differences between us, our personalities and such... He is attractive, has a great smile, and those eyes that I adore... but I feel like the passion is gone...
I just don't know what to do... I feel like I have a tendency to try and mess things up before they get there, maybe as kind of a self-defense mechanism or something...
oh I don't know... I love him, I have loved him for the past 7 years... but now I sit here pondering if this is enough for me? and it seems like its not just the sex.
I go through these stages, or periods in my life, where I feel one way, and then it changes and I feel another way. I was so excited when we got back together... thinking of how great we are and then it got serious enough for me to think how I want to marry him and have kids with him. Now the thought of that kinda freaks me out... what is going on with me!?!?!?
is it me? Can I fix it? Am I over analyzing this?
And on top of this, I have recently hung out with two guys who I kinda had a little interest in about a year ago, both instances were fun, and I noticed an obvious connection, though not sure if only sexual... nothing happened, just hung out, caught up on life and had a great time. but good conversation, which to me is partially what seems to be missing out of my current relationship. He is just one of those guys who isn't a talker... and well... I am... so maybe that has something to do with it?
I am lost.. and don't know what to think....
how do you know when it is right... and for good? I can't tell if its me just making something out of nothing, or me noticing something that is not there.... how can you tell?
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Sacramento
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Re: how can you tell?
Mon, June 23, 2008 - 12:38 PMTry and read this as if you were a disinterested third party. The on-off thing typically tells me that something isn't there, and you may just keep going back out of comfort, convenience, loneliness, or something else.
I married an on-off girlfriend, and it was definitely a mistake. We ended up divorced after a couple of years, and now I can't even imagine what made me think it would work. Oh, I loved her, to be sure, but our lives, our personalities, and our dreams were so different, so incompatible.
I believe that sometimes we try and justify why we're not happy or passionate, but in reality, we have to accept that we're not. -
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Re: how can you tell?
Mon, June 23, 2008 - 6:26 PMI have to agree with Uncle Sticky here...
the on-off thing in my life has always indicated a need for familiarity and safety in that knowledge of the other person...and I stayed (and left, and came back and then left ad nauseam for four years) because I was scared of who I would have to 'be' in order to NOT be with him. But I'm not scared anymore and my life is really, really good without him in it - regardless of the good stuff we shared.
Or maybe you're just not cut out for a 'forever' relationship. This is something else I've come to accept about myself instead of thinking that the 'next' relationship has to mean 'forever'. I think we get all hung up in this society about that concept. and I think that it no longer serves the purpose it used too. It's just an ingrained traditional path of thought in my opinion. If you were married, you would have the same on-off waves in your relationship, but you'd be married, so couldn't really be 'off'. And you'd learn how to make that work in order to make it 'forever'. But since that's not a choice you've made, it seems more confusing without that bond being there, and you sabotage it before that choice becomes permanent.
Maybe you should really look at the reasons you are staying when it's not all passion and fun... and if those reasons aren't sufficient to keep doing this, then you'll have to find the courage in yourself to make the next choice. You might just find a big part of yourself that you thought was missing and just didn't know it yet!
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Re: how can you tell?
Mon, June 23, 2008 - 8:46 PMHi Red :-)
A lot of people in poly circles talk about NRE -- New Relationship Energy. Its a good catch-all phrase for what happens when your brain gets all doped up by the hormones that kick in when you are falling for someone.
That drug can be pretty addictive and I think it can probably be pretty scary when it starts to fade away and real life comes bubbling back up to the surface.
A few years back, National Geographic did a fantastic article on love and talked about the same hormonal stew. It said it is a good thing it wears off eventually or your brain would simply burn out.
So, perhaps now your brain is settling down. That's when you can make a more rational analysis about all the other good, or bad, things about a relationship. As pointed out above, maybe you aren't cut out for "forever" relationships. But then again, maybe you are, and you just need to take a look at all the good things about this guy.
You might want to read this book to: The Female Brain: www.amazon.com/Female-Bra.../0767920090
It is an amazing discussion about your brain on hormones. It is a pretty wild and crazy place. Understanding it a bit might help you tame the worries about how you react to these relationships a bit.
