all my kids are grown, and i'm still about 30% parent. not that i get to tell anyone what to do. part of me, maybe 10%, is identified with my job, but i was a computer geek before i started making my living at it. then about 10% husband, 10% caregiver, 10% gregarious party animal, 10% upstanding citizen, 10% outlaw, 10% good friend, and 50% musician.

wow great question.

I don't think I can put it into %s. though I just tried and apparently there is more than %100 to me(o:

I think being a mom is part of me, and definitely rates at the top of "what I do" but I don't think it's my identity to much. I feel like I'm me...and I am a mom. Not I am a mom and there is also other stuff to me if that makes sense. I could split up how I spend my time, and list my priorities but I'm always me underneath everything. and when I don't feel much like me I feel quiet and like I'm just going through motions and off kilter. Like I can't do anything right because being me is the base of everything I do.

Yeah the more I think about it the more I think mom is just one of the areas I focus my me~ness into. Same with work, which it occurs to me is why I have so much trouble with jobs that don't allow that much.

I like this question, can I steal it for single moms and dads? I am probably 40% mom, mostly because I have the kids half time and spend most of the rest of my time earning money to support us. I too tend to come out with more than 100%! I think that's a good thing.

30% dancer (this is the joy component too)
60% breadwinner/engineer/problemsolver
10% friend and lover (would like to increase this one)

Being a mom is like a big suitcase I carry with me, but I don't define myself by it, even though it contains a lot of strange and interesting things I choose to nurture and/or put up with everyday.

you should work on Rock Star, btw

The true gift of children is what they give back to you. When they are young, they restore the gift of thirst for life and enjoyment. Some people steer clear of precocious children, I make a point of playing with them. Or at least watch them play.

BiteMe and I were at her son's graduation, Tuesday night. The final ceremony was in a room that was filled with latex balloons and BiteMe is latex sensitive, PLUS she was just getting over a horrible cold. We had to sit outside the room, on the stairs were she could get some air that wasn't poisoned with latex.

There was this little girl hanging around outside with her Dad. She was much too active (probably about 2-3 year old range) to be in the room with the ceremony, so had was watching her as she played around. That little girl had the time of her life, swinging from the handrails, jumping from stair to stair, climbing up and climbing back down the benches, etc... And she giggled and hummed and sang away the whole time. I was exhausted just watching her, and couldn't help but chuckle a bit myself when she was flash those bright little eyes at me and shine me with her infectious smile. Even though poor BiteMe was suffering a bit, I could see her smile and laugh occasionally when the little girl would shine her too. Premium quality entertainment value.

But alas, those days pass. Children become young adults, and your power over them wanes a bit. Once they grow up a bit, they give you a new gift. They share their hopes and dreams and ideas with you. Fresh with no jaded cynicism or battered down edges. They see things in the world that shed a new light on what it means to be alive today. Never pass up time to be with an interesting child or cat, I always say.

Great question!

I remember a Robert Fulghum essay about the classic small talk line "What do you do?" Of course, many of us take that to mean, what do we do for a living. But that really isn't what we do, is it?

I don't think I could put a percentage on it. Or if I did, I'd have to say I'm 100% a parent. All the time. For all time. I'm also 100% a son. 100% musician. 100% lover. And a whole bunch of other, smaller, 100%s: gardener, sailor, swimmer, skiier, software developer, Cub leader, whatever. And, oddly enough, the math still works.

But, Miele, I so get the point. The problem is getting lost in those roles to the exclusion of the other things you want to be. My stbx once told me that she didn't have time for us, or me, because she was too busy being a parent and she could only do one thing at once. 'nuff said.

I'm discovering recently that I have a really difficult time keeping ahold of myself in the face of what I perceive other people want me to be. For those Enneagram fans, see Type 9. I'm discovering too, that my perception is often wrong. And, not only that, but not being true to myself is dishonouring my relationship with the people I care about.

I love my parents and I really admire them for all their interests and all that their involved in. And my kids too -- it is great watching them develop their own interests and really take them on.. And I hope that they'll grow up knowing and appreciating the stuff that makes me tick. And, if I don't live some of that every day, how will they ever know who I am?

This is something I think of a lot of late as my roles get redefined by life and living.

There was a time when being a mother held almost a 100% hold on me. I nursed, I was the parent who did all the necessary things. When my divorce happened I all of a sudden was left with a huge amount of time where I did not need to be a mother. Still, my % was very high.

Now I find myself finding myself in many ways. I am taking care of myself, finding new friends, studying a new career. It is almost impossible to put into percentages. My child still considers me 100% her mother (the young one). The older one would love to have that drop down to about 2% of her life! (although just tonight I got to hear how my dedication to her meant the world to her and she is a better person because I stayed by her when she was pushing me away.)

So if there could be 200% of me it would look like this: 100% mom. 25% horny woman, 25% caring person, 25% life coach, 25% wild woman. And each category had a further break down.

And Miele, I don't think we ever stop telling our children what we think, we just can no longer expect them to do it. Hard to take the cell phone away from a 19 year old!!!

Now that I've been a Momma for 18 months, I can't remember really what it was like to not mother a child. But, it's not my whole identity. I think that I am complex combination of bits and pieces of the passion I have for life.

I am (in no particular order)
Me
Mom
Wife
Manager
Role Model
Wackiness Celebrator
Puppet of Satan (presumably an insult shouted at me by a protestor at my clinic, but it's too funny to not enjoy)
Daughter
Sister
Auntie
Granddaughter
Friend
Confidante
Good Dancer
Lover
Student of Life
Woman
Human

as a parent of an infant a lot --maybe 99%-- of my identity (well, how i currently relate to the world anyway) is wrapped in the role parent and probably will be for a while, but i do not find it to be a detractor. it is as it should be in my case. i truly enjoy being a mama.

and as a parent of a teen as well the role parent role has grown over the years, but not quite so immediately encompassing as parenting an infant.

i have had a lot of different jobs in my time and i have never once felt so closely related to my skill-set that it defined me. but then jobs have hours and breaks and a defined space between the personal and the professional such as when one works versus when one is not working. i have not experienced parenting in the same way that i have experienced work or any other roles i have lived.

i know i am me --the whole me-- which has only grown through my experience of parenting. that said, i really have found that student has taken quite a bit of my % under it all whether parenting or not so maybe my math won't add up %-wise as student and parent and yogini and partner and friend and artist and... ...have all added up to 100% individually as collectively.

maybe as layers or parallel roles all coexisting simultaneously rather like eclipses.

i love that you, miele, have set aside a % for silliness in your identity. that is refreshing.
good question.

I think it's quite normal to be strongly identified with motherhood. I know I was and I went through a bit of an identity crisis when my kids left the nest. For years I had thought of myself as a wife and mother and in the eyes of most of those who knew me - I was identified as the wife of ____ and the mother of____. Suddenly, I came to the realization that those had been roles but the roles weren't *me*! Who *was* I?

I think this is common and for women, I think, creates a mid-life crisis of sorts but I see it as a good one. We're given the opportunity to explore who and what we are as individuals, which is quite a wonderful journey of discovery - at least it has been for me. It's driven me deeper into an understanding of who I am beneath the roles I play in the external world and it's helped me appreciate that while the roles change throughout my life, the essence of *who* I am remains. I've finally been given the chance to get to know my 'self' better and I like what I'm learning.