the subject seems to be popping up all over the place today(o:
I feel like for most people there is a difference between being Married, and being in primarily the same relationship without being married. I don't mean marriage necessarily like go down to the court house or the church, but a decision between two people to be married(if that makes sense.) and I think the difference is likely different for everyone. But I wanted to know what you guys think.
Do you think there is a difference? if so what do you think it is? or what does it feel like to you?
Let's pretend that the government has gotten totally out of the marriage business. No longer does it give you any legal benefits or recognition you can not get by being unmarried partners...what would be left to make it something special or important to you? or would there be anything?
I feel like for most people there is a difference between being Married, and being in primarily the same relationship without being married. I don't mean marriage necessarily like go down to the court house or the church, but a decision between two people to be married(if that makes sense.) and I think the difference is likely different for everyone. But I wanted to know what you guys think.
Do you think there is a difference? if so what do you think it is? or what does it feel like to you?
Let's pretend that the government has gotten totally out of the marriage business. No longer does it give you any legal benefits or recognition you can not get by being unmarried partners...what would be left to make it something special or important to you? or would there be anything?
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 3:41 PMI think there's a difference between being in a relationship where you have committed to make a serious and concerted effort at a long term partnership and where such a commitment has not occurred.
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 5:44 PMmainly, i think it is a preferable way to raise children. it helps to be able to share responsibilities and modelling. if i were raising children (again) i would want to do it within a marriage. this is not to say that single parents cannot do a good job; but it doesn't look like much fun to me. it's also nice to have a partner who will at least figuratively have your back when the chips are down. it's more relaxed and comfortable than having to repeatedly get used to different people in shorter-term relationships.
that's my perspective, anyway. -
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 8:55 PMAnd then there's me. If I were to ever raise a child (perish the thought) I would want to do it in a group situation. I would never ever want to try to raise a kid with just two people. No way in hell! I think for me four is the minimum number and five would be better (for parental tie-breaking purposes). Kids take too much work and too much energy to do right. Two people just ain't enough for me! -
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 11:10 PM5 people to raise a kid sounds ideal. If I had 4 people raring to parent with me I'd be popping the kids out as soon as I could.
I think I keep looking for a partner to parent with. But if It has to be just me, it will be.
Plus sometimes you have to have the kid first and then find the people to support you. ( a la Angelina Jolie or Calista Flockart)
There must be an innate part of being human that wants to couple, commit and parent . Innate in most of us . Gay people too.
Every culture that I know of has a formal committment ceremony, I don't know if it is always called marriage. -
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Re: Marriage
Wed, June 11, 2008 - 1:03 PM"There must be an innate part of being human that wants to couple, commit and parent ."
Then there's those of us who make really good aunts ;D
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 6:44 PMi think that difference is more about the act of committing, or making a ritual, or event, out of something that you hold in your heart. it could be public and in front of people dear to you, or it could be just the two of you. but just like spoken voice has some power over thought, the act of symbolize your union in whatever way you choose, has meaning.
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 7:39 PMMarriage is the ultimate form of commitment, because you're "going on record" not with the government but with your families and with whatever higher power you believe in. Marriage is the acid test. It is the moment when you, as the ancient texts said, become of one flesh. marriage seals the bond between you, and begin to live as one person.
No government regulation or alleged benefit can ever match what happens between married couple. For some it will work, for others it won't, but it is a moment in your life that you will never forget.
My own marriage did not work, but I remember every moment of my wedding ceremony, and I always will. It is very special.
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Re: Marriage
Tue, June 10, 2008 - 8:49 PMRemember that couples have been getting "married" long before there
was any certificate involved. To me it's a public commitment to each other
where you state your intentions, in front of everyone. For whatever reason,
I don't think people who are not legally married today (in general) take that
commitment as seriously, not to mention all the married people who don't.
Few people want to believe they are tied to that one person for the rest of
their life "so long as you both shall live." Everyone wants a way out, just in
case things get hard. I don't think you can force a person to stay with you.
But as long as you both want to work through issues, I think you should try.
I think it's too easy to get out of relationships, thus why so few last a lifetime. -
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Re: Marriage
Wed, June 11, 2008 - 1:07 AMthats exactly makes it so special when it works out, yknow?
ive always been so fasciated by couples whove been together forever, decades like. how do they do it? whats the magic they know about, how did they grow together, whats the secret? cause it has nothing to do with government, rules. its about the connection. how do they keep it alive, stay true to themselves and each other at the same time? for so fking long, over so much individual growth. its a miracle.
ive been realizing its the effort you put in, but also just how things are meant to work out. its hard to reconcile the two to me. is it all within your power, the two of you? or are things just meant to go a certain way. its some intersection of the two, of course, but it still boggles the mind. i guess thats the beauty of it. -
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Re: Marriage
Wed, June 11, 2008 - 1:54 AMI think if you love someone are committed to them, you don't need a piece of paper, your friends and family know you are together and how you feel is what counts, what the rest of society thinks is irrelevant, you don't need to have the titles laid by law to be married....
it is a loving and spiritual commitment between two people and yes it doesn't always work out but a lot of things in life aren't meant to be either....
And as single mother, sometimes i wish i had someone else to help, but i have seen what having two parents can do also and are often relieved i am on my own...as far as parenting goes that is... -
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Re: Marriage
Thu, June 19, 2008 - 9:08 AMI agree with WhiteLight too.
For me though, the *ceremony* is bringing other people into our relationship. Not in a poly way, but in the way that they then have an investment in helping us stay on track with one another. When we are having troubles, as everyone does, we can go to one of our chosen family members and vent or ask for counsel.
Not that it's necessary. My partner and I just bought a home together, and really it was more work than getting married and seriously more of a commitment. Getting married and not mingling property or money, you can walk away with little effort...assuming there are no children involved.
That is as long as we are talking about the hypothetical detachment of the government and *benefits* of marriage that comes with the legal side.
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Re: Marriage
Thu, June 19, 2008 - 5:28 PM>>ive always been so fasciated by couples whove been together forever, decades like. how do they do it? whats the magic they know about, how did they grow together, whats the secret? cause it has nothing to do with government, rules. its about the connection. how do they keep it alive, stay true to themselves and each other at the same time? for so fking long, over so much individual growth. its a miracle<<
If my experience of being married 26 years is any help...
Once the rush of being together as a couple calms down, simply love (both emotional and physical), friendship, cooperation, and similar interests kept us together for that time. When things got very rocky, we asked each other the question: Would you be better off without me? And always the answer was "no".
I saw him through his illness, and watched him fade. And I was the one who found him, after he had peacefully died in his own bed.
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Re: Marriage
Wed, June 11, 2008 - 9:27 AMI sort of agree with WhiteLight. I'm a slave to a man who is already married and I live with both of them. Neither he nor I have any sort of religious beliefs, we hate making big deals out of things and we never got the whole ceremony thing. Maybe if it was just he and I we might decide to get married for the legal benefits, but other than that we don't see the point if we feel the feelings. Even my collaring was pretty unceremonial, he took the collar out of the box when it arrived, put it on me, we hugged and sat down again to watch Dr Who or whatever was on.
