I'm bitter about certain parts of my childhood, and it's a difficult thing to fix because neither of my parents is inclined to help me with my closure. I'm also bitter about politics, but growing up around DC will do that to you.

I've worked hard to overcome bitterness in my life - I think I had finally come to the same conclusion as you, Schirin. Like Myriad, I'd carried some bitterness over things that had happened in my childhood and which, in the long run had been very emotionally painful. I finally became emotionally exhausted carrying that bagage around. Both of my parents were dead and I had to accept the fact that, not only could the past not be changed, but resolving these issues with my parents would never be an option. It was HARD but I finally had to forgive them and let it go.

Then, later in life I felt very manipulated by a lover who had lied about almost everything in our relationship and eventually completely destroyed my trust - that too, resulted in feelings of bitterness for a long while but the heaviness of the bitterness was just too smothering and the damage it was doing to my own wellbeing was just not worth it so, I once again, forgave and let it go.

I do believe I still struggle with the bi-product of having carried bitterness - my reluctance to trust others and my skepticism around relationships but at the same time it has created within me a determination to maintain honesty with others.

A few years ago I saw a bumper sticker which said that "forgiveness is accepting that you'll never have a better past." I only saw it once, and never have seen it again, but once was enough.

My general strategy for avoiding bitterness is to accept that people are what they are and that if I expect them to be much else, that is my own stupidity. It is to laugh! It is not the journey which wears us down, so much as the pebble in our shoe. I try to consider what I am doing, how it serves me and why I am continuing to do that. If I can identify those three things, I feel more in control of my own mind and life, and less bitter.

Many men are dicks and most young, drunk men have the insight of a claw-hammer banjo. This man has shown you who he is. Believe him, and thank him for his honesty. Much of the time it is not so easy.

Then again, blaming other people for my feelings can be much simpler than owning them for myself. This is probably why it is so popular.

this is a great observation, schirin. bitterness is indeed destructive.

i think that bitterness requires blaming or feeling victimized or powerless, and over the past ten years as i've become more self-aware, i've pretty much given it up (mostly anyway :^), and i try to avoid people who live in that place as well. it's made a huge difference in my experience of life.

bitterness about the past, negativity about the present, complaining about external situations, disappointment at not having expectations met... these are all emotional states and ways of seeing and filtering the world that i have choice about, things that i have control over. personally, i hate the feeling that bitterness or blame (and all the drama that goes with it) gives me, and as you said, it's destructive -- it's not a creative state of being at all.

i used to be bitter about my dad's bad parenting, and a couple of bad work situations that i felt weren't my fault... but then i realized that all those people were all doing the best they could, and what happened happened, and i could stop being pissed about it and give up my drama about it, and i'd be happier. and i was.

and now when some guy doesn't call, i remind myself that i don't have to let some guy not calling (which could be for a gazillion reasons, none of which matter in the big scale of things anyway) control my mood and reaction, and that if i'm disappointed, it's because i created expectations, and i work to let it go. i don't want my happiness to depend on someone else doing something that meets my expecatations, i want it to come from me just being happy with however things are.

it helps to stay away from bitter people, too, they can be so toxic and uncomfortable to be around for me.

As a follow up to my original posting, he did call, and I did spend time with him this evening. It happened to be his birthday today. We rented a movie and grabbed a sandwich. He really, really likes me and I, I found myself opening up to him. I believe that perhaps my desire the other day to give up my bitterness has drawn this person into my life. Strangely, before I went out Friday night, I had the feeling that I would meet someone (that's my intuition!) So he's going back to Atlanta to sell his home and move to LA, and he's practically giddy at having met me.

I have to agree that bitterness is one of the most destroying forces in human lives. I knew years ago I needed to get over my bitterness of my childhood. I had watched my aunts and uncle let their feelings about their childhood rule their lives. This is not to say there are not times when the memories of the sexual abuse comes rushing to the forefront, brought on by something I might have no control over. When I do have some unpleasant memories, I remind myself not to carry that bitterness around. It works for me although I have done a lot of soul searching on how to create a less bitter life.

I could be bitter with men. There was an incident this weekend where someone said they would call so we could go into SF. He did not call, nor even text. I decided not to be bitter and instead feel sorry for him and how he has allowed the bitterness and wounds of his life to eat at him and destroy him. Only this person can save himself. As you say Schirin, no amount education, compassion nor understanding can help. Each person must come to the decision to not allow their demons to ruin them. Once someone comes to this point in their life, then they can allow others to help them in their quest. To allow what a woman, a parent or an abuser did control your life, means you are giving them a piece of your soul.

I have been fortunate in that I have had some very supportive people help me with this. I am not saying I have conquered it 100% but I have put it in its place. Now when I am feeling bitter (men, the ex treating the girls badly, how I lost my life savings), I try to find the root cause, sometimes pushing beyond what I think it might be. I ask myself what purpose it has and then I try to replace those thoughts with other thoughts. It works. To allow ones past to come into play it sad.

excellent question.

I used to be very bitter and then when I fell in love with my first husband I had this moment where I realized that everything had brought me to that moment and that moment and where I was in my life and love was so wonderful and perfect I would not change anything about my past. I thought about specifically some things I'd always resented and been bitter about and how if I had gotten what I wanted, what I thought I should have gotten...that I would not be where I was. In that moment all of my bitterness faded away.

New things that tried to take hold as bitterness have happened in the years since then, but the old stuff never came back. and the new stuff was so much easier to keep from becoming a seed of bitterness. I remember when my marriage first blew up and I had the thought that men sucked. and I yelled at myself right there to STOP IT and wouldn't let myself think in generalities. and also since I'd gotten through things I had thought were bad but ended up being the biggest blessings of my life it was so much easier to believe that while it was hard and while I didn't know how this could possibly be good that it might well be as big of a gift as all of the other things had turned out to be.

and it was. I can say that the things I have thought were the worst things that ever happened to me have always without fail turned out to be among the biggest blessings of my life. It's really hard to get bitter when I keep that in mind. There are things that have tried to sneak in, but I just try my best to focus on the good and the lessons and not let things take hold.

The only one that's really even been a challenge is toward my ex and the ways he causes our sons pain. It's so much harder to say it's all for the best when my beautiful boys are in pain. But I know my bitterness would not be a gift to them, it would rob more from them than the situation as it is so I just keep making sure it doesn't take hold.